Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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