God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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