he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
