thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
