the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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