I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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