i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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