i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
