She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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