help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
