Redeem this text for a blowjob
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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