trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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