I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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