I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
