i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
