Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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