walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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