im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
