I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
