I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
