I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The beer is more important than you right now.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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