my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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