I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
