So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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