You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
