Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
