guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
