He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
