yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
