I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
