It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
