If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
