I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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