I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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