if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
