At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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