Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
