my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
