my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
