i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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