i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
