His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
