Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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