i jhust puked up my retainher.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize