woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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