I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
