i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
