Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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