The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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