Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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