Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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