Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
