she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
